How To Talk To Your Partner About Swinging
Published April 15th, 2008
So you think you want to be a swinger, but you’re not sure how to bring the topic up to your partner. You’re worried about upsetting them, or that they won’t understand why you want to do this. Well, we’ll get to the talk in a minute, but before you’re ready to have that discussion there are some things you need to think about.
The first thing you need to do is take a look at yourself. Ask yourself, “Why do I really want to do this?” It’s great if the thought of swinging excites you, or if you can’t wait to get out and meet other couples. But it’s important that you keep in mind that this is just as much about your partner as it is about you. Does the thought of seeing them with someone else excite you? If you love the idea of seeing your partner pleasing and being pleased by someone else, then you’re in the right place. If it still makes you jealous or uncomfortable, you may want to re-examine your reasons for wanting to do this. Now, everyone has some natural jealousy, and it’s something that can be worked through if you’re willing to do so. But you want to make sure that you’re attracted to swinging for your partner’s benefit and not just for your own pleasure.
You also need to examine the status of your relationship. How often do you tell each other that you love one another? Is it every day? How often do you tell your partner how much you desire them? These things are important to having a secure relationship. If you and your partner are secure in your relationship you will be much less likely to experience feelings of jealousy or the feeling of being threatened by another. In a successful swinging relationship, both partners understand that they are the most important thing in the world to each other and nothing anyone else could do could ever affect that.
The keys to having a happy relationship as swingers are trust, respect, and open communication. If you can truly trust each other, respect each other’s boundaries, and communicate openly and honestly about your feelings and what you want from swinging, you will likely be successful and happy as swingers, and it will even have the potential to make your relationship even stronger. Discussing your innermost fantasies with your partner will increase your ability to communicate about other things, not just sex. Opening up to your partner in this way also fosters a greater intimacy between the two of you. And watching your spouse with someone else can make you desire them even more than before!
However, you may not be ready to be swingers. If your relationship is already having issues with trust, respect, communication, (or any other major issue) swinging will not improve these things. In fact, it’s likely to make them worse. If you don’t trust your partner you will feel jealous seeing them with someone else. If you don’t respect each other and your boundaries you will be fighting all the time over what should be allowed. And how can you possibly hope to get what you want out of swinging if you can’t communicate it with your partner? If your relationship is troubled or unhappy, you need to fix that first before you consider swinging. If you are to the point of being uncertain about your feelings for someone, it is even possible swinging could tear you apart.
So if you’ve considered all this, and you feel that swinging would be a good fit for your relationship, how do you bring your partner to that same realization? It’s finally time to sit down and have the talk. Find someplace they will feel comfortable, with no distractions. This is a good time to spend a night in.
Be honest with your partner. Tell them what you’ve been thinking about, and why. You probably want to tell them now what kinds of experiences you’ve been hoping to share, instead of just leaving it up to their imagination. Your partner needs to understand that you know this is about both of you, and not just your desires.
Explain to them also that swinging is about mutual respect and commitment, that you would never do anything against their wishes or anything that would make them uncomfortable. Make them understand that they have the control to say no.
Something else you may want to keep in mind as you have this talk, and possibly bring up with your partner as a point in your favor, is that swinging can be good for your relationship. As swingers you will have to keep the discussion about sex and your relationship going all the time, and the more you talk (openly and honestly) about your relationship the stronger it will be. And when you continually see how special and desirable your spouse is in the eyes of others, it makes it impossible to take them for granted. Many vanilla relationships fall into a rut where as the couple sees each other every day, they become bored with each other. They are drawn to cheat because others outside the relationship appear exotic and exciting. When you are swinging, it is impossible to forget how unique your spouse is and what attracted you to them in the first place, because you can watch them through the eyes of others who are just discovering a sexual attraction to them.
So maybe your partner is interested in swinging and wants to discuss it with you. In fact, they could have already been thinking about it on their own, and just didn’t know how to bring it up to you. If this is the case, you’re ready to move on to the next stage of the talk.
It’s also possible your partner needs more time to think things through. Let them know you’re ready to talk whenever they want. Its okay to bring the subject up again later (“So have you been thinking about our discussion the other night?”) But make sure you don’t pressure them. The more pressure they feel from you the less likely they are to want to do this.
The other possibility is that your partner has no interest in swinging whatsoever. If that’s the case, then that’s the decision you’ll have to stick with. Everyone is wired differently, and some people have no interest in being with more than one person, or being with someone they don’t love. Not everyone enjoys recreational sex, and you can’t change someone’s mind about this. Let them know it’s still on the table if they ever want to talk about it again, and then you have to let it go.
If both you and your partner are interested in swinging then you’re ready to move on to the next step. It’s time for the two of you to discuss all of your fantasies. Let your partner know what you want from swinging, and listen to what they want. Make sure you discuss things you don’t want to do as well. Let them know anything that makes you uncomfortable. Listen to what they have to say about what they don’t want to do and agree to respect it. Set up some boundaries that you can agree on.
This is a conversation you want to keep going. As you settle into a swinger’s lifestyle, you want to keep the lines of communication open, and continue to discuss with your partner what you want. Many couples set stricter boundaries in the beginning and then relax them over time as they become more comfortable. So if you’re ready to dive right in but your partner just wants to attend a party and watch, don’t push it. If you support them and let them go at their own pace, then it’ll be that much easier for them to open up and then both of you will get to experience your fantasies coming true.
Remember, if the two of you want to give swinging a try and see if it’s a fit for you, you don’t have to be 100% positive about your decision to become swingers when you’re just starting out. Just be honest about where you’re at and go at your own pace. But it is important that you’re certain how you feel about each other. Follow the rules that you have established with your partner. Always remember to respect each other and enjoy the journey both of you will be taking together. Life is too short to walk through it with your eyes closed. Open them up and see what swinging can do for your relationship.
Disclaimer: I’m not an advice columnist; I have no degrees in psychology or human relationships. I’m just your average swinger who thinks about things a lot, and I thought it was a good idea to write down some of my own thoughts and opinions about the lifestyle. If this can help you in any way to navigate your own way through the lifestyle, that’s fantastic. But I may be wrong sometimes, and you should always remember to use your own best judgment.