Swingers First Meeting with a New Couple
Published April 12th, 2008
Should We Meet?
The most important thing to do before meeting a couple is to verify that they are real. Here at Wicked Garden we have a verification process set up; if someone is “validated” on their profile it means they have met a power member of the website in person and been validated as a real couple by that person. Unfortunately we still cannot 100% guarantee that these are real couples; people lie, and couples break up. It’s always important to use caution, validated or not.
A couple that isn’t validated, however, might not even be two real people. Single males sometimes pose as couples, and married men sometimes set up profiles without the knowledge of their wives. It’s even more important when dealing with someone who hasn’t been validated to confirm for yourselves that they are a real couple.
The best way to confirm that you are dealing with two real people who both want to meet with you is to meet them over webcam, or speak with them over the phone. If you don’t have a webcam you might want to consider investing in one, it doesn’t have to be of good quality. It’s just to let both couples appear for long enough to show they are real and similar to their pictures. Or you can call on the phone and ask to speak to both members of the couple. Now when you do this, keep in mind you never want to give your home number to someone you don’t know! You can block your number when making a phone call, if the other couple is willing to give you theirs. If you are extremely concerned about safety and discretion, and you plan on calling a lot of people, I would advise you to invest in a pre-paid cell phone. You can find a cheap one for $20, and they usually have a $20 a month minimum.
If the couple isn’t validated and won’t webcam or talk to you on the phone, you may be dealing with someone who is lying to you in some way. It’s possible, though, that you are dealing with a real couple who is just new to the lifestyle or extremely private. If you decide to go ahead and set up a meeting, be sure it’s in a public place, and have alternate plans – keep in mind that you may be stood up.
Planning it Out
So you’ve decided to meet someone and you want to know what to do. It’s always best to meet first in a public place. You may run into couples who will want you to come over to their house rather than going anywhere. I would have to advise against this. First of all, this is unsafe. Second, you have to ask yourself the reason why they don’t want to go meet you in public. (Maybe they lied about their looks and are afraid you will just bail on them once you see them.) And third, meeting at someone’s house with their bedroom right upstairs can create certain expectations for the evening. If you aren’t attracted to the other couple in person it’s just going to be awkward figuring out what to say to them. It’s much easier to turn down an invitation to go to someone’s house than it is to leave once you’re there.
Oh, and if you’re thinking about having someone over to your house – I would never recommend this. Meet them in public first.
A good place to meet would be a local bar, restaurant, or club. There are plenty of other options if you want to get creative (just think back to some of the dates you’ve been on), but almost everyone likes to eat and drink. Of course, you can always make arrangements to meet a new couple at a swinger’s event. This has a couple benefits: for one, there will be a lot of other people around, some of whom you might know. For another, if you decide you want to play that night, depending on where you are you might have the option to do so without having to invite them back to your house. However, if you’re looking for long-term friends with benefits and not just notches in your bedpost, you will at some point have to sit down and have a normal conversation anyway. You need to find couples that you can talk to, that share interests of yours other than swinging and the bedroom. And it’s best to do this before jumping into bed.
The Date
Now once you’ve picked the location, how should you present yourselves?
Pretend you’re going on a first date again. Men should shave and dress to impress. Ladies, it’s appropriate for you to wear sexy clothing, but don’t dress like you’re going to the swinger’s club! And don’t dress like you’re going clubbing if you’re just going out to dinner. You want to blend in to the location you’re at, not have people staring at you all night. (And even if you personally do want to have people staring at you, you should still be considerate of the other couple and dress appropriately.)
Although it’s fun to flirt and talk about sex at dinner, it’s also important to see if you can have a normal conversation. Finding someone who can stimulate you intellectually as well as physically can be so much more exciting. And make sure you pay attention to both members of the couple.
The most important thing I can tell you is: don’t come off as too shy (because you will seem disinterested), and don’t come off as too pushy. Find a happy middle ground and stick to it, and you will have much more success as a swinging couple. If one of you is more shy than the other, that’s perfectly fine – this is extremely common. As long as the bold one is not being pushy and the shy one is contributing to the conversation, it’s perfectly acceptable for one of you to lead the way until you get to know the other couple better.
The Out
Sometimes it will happen that only one couple is interested in pursuing the relationship. If the other couple isn’t picking up the signs you’re giving off, you may have to tell them straight out “Thanks, but no thanks”. Some people are uncomfortable doing this, because they are afraid the other couple will be hurt or insulted. The only thing I can tell you is that honesty is always the best policy – honesty and openness are what swinging is about! Don’t be rude, but politely decline their invitations. If they do get upset or insulted, don’t feel too bad. Not everyone in the lifestyle is compatible, and most of us are adult enough that we can understand that. And should you ever be the couple that is told “No thank you”, accept it politely and gracefully as well. After all, if your date is ever asked about you in the future, you would prefer for them to say “Well, we didn’t play with them, but they were such nice people.”
The In!
So you’ve found a couple you’re interested in, the dates have gone well, and you’re ready to take the next step! You need to have an open discussion with them before playtime starts. Things like “We don’t play in separate rooms” and “We always use protection” need to be stated up front, as well as any other rules or concerns you might have. It’s much easier to discuss these things when you’re calm and sober than in the heat of the moment. Once that is out of the way and you’re sure the four of you are all on the same page, you’re ready to dive in and have fun!
Disclaimer: I’m not an advice columnist; I have no degrees in psychology or human relationships. I’m just your average swinger who thinks about things a lot, and I thought it was a good idea to write down some of my own thoughts and opinions about the lifestyle. If this can help you in any way to navigate your own way through the lifestyle, that’s fantastic. But I may be wrong sometimes, and you should always remember to use your own best judgment.